Communication & Divorce

In fact communication can be tricky during any relationship even when the sun is shining and you are getting along fine!

So, when a relationship is on the edge of collapse, add in a dose of stress, anxiety, worry, confusion, seemingly interfering friends and do-gooders, anger, guilt and blame, it is hardly surprising that you suddenly have an explosive cocktail where communication can be infinitely more complicated. Things are bound to deteriorate further unless the issue is handled sensitively and in an adult way. No-one ever wants to be at the end of a sharp tongue or unkind word and by thinking through the meaning of what you are saying and the tone of voice you are delivering your message, this on its own can go a long way to reducing some of the tension in the relationship.
By raising your voice during a discussion, it can very quickly lead to a full blown argument where neither of you gets heard and things are said in the heat of the moment which will not help matters improve and can serve to add fuel to an already blazing fire.

The following points may help when you want to discuss important issues:

• Choose the time you pick to talk – don’t try to sit down at the end of a long day or when either of you is unwell or under excessive strain

• Check with the other person that the time is convenient for you both so you know that there is a specific time allocated to talk and no one party is hijacked into an unexpected conversation.

• Try to have an agenda - if there are particular points you wish to discuss and if necessary make some bullet points which you work from to ensure you do not get lost in the moment and overlook something which is really important to you

• If you both have a habit of talking over each other or of interrupting in mid-sentence, it can be helpful to have a ‘talking stick/stone’ where only the person holding the stick can speak and they then pass it over respectfully when they have made their point. Taking it in turns requires a level of co-operation so this may not always be possible in some relationships where things have really broken down.

• Both agree at the outset that you have come together to discuss an important issue and agree not to argue. Agree also that you may have different opinions but that you will respect the others point of view at this meeting even if you do not buy into this viewpoint or like it vey much.

• It is often helpful if someone is trying to explain something which seems a bit controversial or hard to digest, to actually repeat what they have said in your own words. This will ensure you have understood their intended meaning. By doing this, firstly it allows a brief breathing space if you are smouldering about their words and secondly, before getting all steamed up about something unnecessarily, check that you understood what they were saying correctly!

Communicating with your children during your divorce is another hugely important and yet difficult area to negotiate. Do not fall into the trap of using your children as pawns during your Divorce.

Help them to feel safe in this time of transition and help them understand that they are in no way to blame for where you and your partner have reached.

The final area for consideration is communicating your divorce decision to others whether it be Family, friends or work colleagues. Even if you both know that the Divorce is the best thing for all involved, there is still pain and sometimes awkwardness or embarrassment involved in the relaying of your decision to others. It is hard not to feel like some sort of failure - especially to other family members and friends.

If possible, talk with your spouse about who should “break the news” to whom. How are you going to tell mutual friends? Family members? The best way to deal with the situation is to be truthful and respectful, especially when children are involved.