Effects of Divorce on Children

Telling them the news together will help to show them that you will be communicative during and after the Divorce. Anticipating your children’s possible reactions will help them with their transition. The age of your Children when you decide to get divorced, will usually determine which category they fall into with regard to expected reactions and ways of how you should break the news to them.

Divorce with infant and Pre School age children (under 5 yrs): The effects of divorce on children this young will vary. Young children will not fully understand the concept of marriage and divorce - they will only understand that mommy or daddy will not be there all of the time. They may be hurt, angry, sad or all of the above. Keep your discussions with them simple. Try saying something along the lines of “Mommy and Daddy won’t be living together any more.” Try not to tell them that “Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore” because it may make the children think you will just stop loving them.

Divorce with Junior School age children (5-11 yrs): The effects of your divorce on these children may be the same as the younger kids, even though these children understand the situation more. They will know what divorce is, at least on basic levels. Their reactions may also be anger or sadness, or if you have been fighting with your spouse a lot - they may be happy that you are getting a divorce because the fighting will stop.

Divorce with Pre Teen and Teenagers (12 yrs upwards): While these children will understand Divorce, they may have a more difficult time dealing with the change because they will internalize it more. Watch the effects this will have on these older kids. They may lash out, shut down, or both to some degree.

One way to help your family cope with this change is to attend Family Counseling and Therapy. The counselor will help you to assess the hidden effects of divorce on your children, and help you understand how to proceed with them.

Visit the websites of the International Family Therapy Association or the International Association for Marriage and Family Counseling to get names of local therapist and counselors. A list of worldwide organizations can be found if you Click Here

The Therapist will help your family navigate through Divorce Talk. Part of this “Divorce Talk” will surround special family days. Your children’s heads will be swimming with questions about Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, Thanksgiving, holidays, and other special days. Knowing this in advance, you can then have a set schedule to make your children understand that they will still be the biggest part of your lives even after the Divorce.

Ultimately, to lessen the negative effects of divorce on children - provide them with as much stability as possible. Really try hard not to discuss your spouse in a bad light in front of the children, and try to create as much normality in their lives as possible through structure, routine and continued boundary setting. Allay any thoughts of a reconciliation and realize also at this time that you may need to cut them a bit of slack as they are also going through a very powerful transition process which they may not be fully handling.

Above all else, let them know that your Divorce is not their fault, and you will always love them just as much.